Issue #27791 - only 5 Imperial Credits
EXCLUSIVE: ARMAGEDDON FIXED!
Astartes Masters Deny Greenskin Allegations Of Unfair Warfare:
Imperial campaign commanders today engaged in what seems to this reporter to be a shifty endeavour to cover their tracks following their shameful conduct during the recent Third Armaggeddon War. Yesterday spokesgrots representing several prominent Warbosses voiced their concern that Ork victories were often ignored by Imperial statisticians, biasing the hard-fought campaign. 'We noo goin in dat da oomies was gunna mess wif da results' said one Warboss who declined to be named through his spokesgrot, 'but dis is a disgusterin misrepresentingation ov da facts.' The Masters of the involved Astartes chapters today said, through a psyker-relayed press release, that the greenskin concerns were unfounded. 'There will always be a few whingers in the warlord community, but we hope the majority of commanders will realise that this devastating campaign of violence was conducted for their benefit. Frankly, these paranoid greenskins can take their spokesgrots and...' [continued page 6]
MILITARY - DO YOU WANT TO KNOW MORE?
Frag grenades 100% non-lethal: page 17
Ridiculous custom-made battle tanks emerging: page 14
Squats protest continued non-existence: page 25
KOSSNA OVER-BUDGET AGAIN!
Latest Tri-D Propaganda Film Bankrupts Adeptus Universalis:
Imperial scribe Kossna, maker of such well-known tri-d propaganda films as Field Of Seditious Visions and Dances With Space Wolves, is rumoured to be in financial strife - again - over his latest epic Hereticworld. Film insiders, who declined to be named, said that objections raised by financiers, associate producers, attached Adepts and planetary governors were overruled by Kossna, on the basis that his 'brilliant vision' would be compromised. Kossna is now in danger of losing Terran funding over his refusal to contract the Mechanicus to create the film's climactic Exterminatus sequence, instead going ahead with plans to purchase and destroy an Alpha-class world... [continued page 4]
ADEPTA SORORITAS QUESTIONED BY INQUISITION!
Inspirational Preaching Multi-planetary Tour In Jeopardy:
Renowned Sororitas missionary Sister Spears is under a cloud of suspicion following rumours that her appearances have been examined by Inquisition anti-heresy teams. Our source inside the Inquisition, who declined to be named, told us that Spears' latest devotional tracts 'Cleanse Me Baby One More Time' and 'Oops I Smote Them Again' might contain seditious messages. This follows last month's 'enhancement' scandal, in which Mechanicus insiders (who declined to be named) claimed that Spears' battle armour chestplate alterations are more than just 'routine maintenance'... [continued page 3]
ENTERTAINMENT - DO YOU WANT TO KNOW MORE?
Confessor Emanem accused of not being anti-alien enough: page 8
Dante & Corbulo's shock separation: page 19
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SEGMENTUM SOLAR GOVERNORSHIP ELECTION CRISIS!
Both Sides Call In Lawyers After Allegations Of Electoral Tampering:
Adeptus Losangelus buildings are today empty as all spare lawyers have been called to the central voting station in the Segmentum Solar to solve the crisis that threatens to drag into its fifth century. Representatives of the Lord Macharius Jr Jr Jr group have accused their opponents of stalling the electoral process, while agents for challenger Lord Ghor claim that confusing and misleading forms caused millions of Imperial credits in bribes to be forwarded to the wrong Adepts. The Macharius Jr Jr Jr camp is desperate to find a solution before their candidate dies of extreme old age after the failure of his eighth Mechanicus life-prolongation... [continued pages 28-76]
POLITICS - DO YOU WANT TO KNOW MORE?
Astartes accused of concealing Mad Blood Angel epidemic: page 22
Navy response to accidental destruction of Eldar ship 'so what?': page 18
IMAGE OF ALICIA DOMINICA SEEN BY HUNDREDS!
Saint's Image Appears In Smoke Above Heretic Pyre:
Imperial Guard troopers disposing of the bodies of several thousand heretic corpses following the recent riots on Deevan VII were amazed to witness the manifestation of the Saint Alicia Dominica in the column of rising smoke. 'It was amazing' said one witness, who declined to be named, 'it made me feel proud to be an Imperial citizen!' 'I've never seen anything like it' said another. 'Actually she looked sort of bored' said a third witness, who was later removed from the scene by attending missionaries... [continued page 4]
RELIGION - DO YOU WANT TO KNOW MORE?
Imperial Cult declares 'everything is sinful': page 16
Ecclesiarch Pious CCXVI still not dead: page 21
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