Issue #27867 - only 5 Imperial Credits
GALAXY RIPE FOR CONQUEST!
Imperial Defences Shockingly Weak, Say Strategic Analysts:
Honest Emperor-fearing peasants all over the Imperium are bracing themselves following revelations that Warmaster Abaddon is planning an all-out assault on several Imperial systems. Imperial analysts are particularly worried that the new Black Crusade will follow the trend begun by Ork Warlord Ghazhgkull's attack on Armageddon, which was the first battle in the post-Heresy period to have consequences. 'Just look at the situation,' said an Administratum cipher who declined to be named, 'in the last ten thousand years there have been literally hundreds of major battles every day, and yet the Imperium has not lost a single square inch of ground, let alone a world. Then suddenly a bunch of battles happen on Armageddon, and now the whole planet is infested with remnants of the Ork horde, and its industrial capacity has been cut to shreds! That came as quite a surprise, I can tell you.' Amid predictions that Abaddon's current Black Crusade could actually result in the loss of a world or two, Terra is sticking firmly to its official line. 'We've been at constant war for ten millennia,' said a spokes-servitor, 'and in all that time our battles have had no results apart from the loss of a bunch of faceless, easily-replaced soldiers, and the death of a bunch of likewise faceless and easily-replaced enemies. There's no reason to suspect that any sort of consequences will start happening now.' The citizens of Armageddon were not available for comment. [continued page 4]
MILITARY - DO YOU WANT TO KNOW MORE?
MkII Thunderhawks made from cheap plasteel, not titanium: page 17
Eye of Terror braced for yet another army organisation shake-up: page 13
Short bearded terrorists attack Hall of Codices, demand inclusion: page 6
BIG BRUVVA RENEWED FOR FIFTH SEASON!
Ork Reality Tri-D Program Breaks Ratings Records Again:
The doubters said it would never last, but viewers all over the Segmentum Solar tuned in in droves to watch the fourth season of Big Bruvva, making a fifth year of the show a certainty. A preacher from the Adeptus Ministorum's Devotional Bureau said the show, in which hidden cameras followed the exploits of a group of teenage Orks locked in a compound for three months, was morally, ethically and spiritually bankrupt, but was not actually heretical due to the substantial tithes the Ministorum receives from Tri-D channels carrying the show. Meanwhile, a viewer poll voted Skrote the audience's favourite Ork of the current batch, citing his witty repartee, his consideration of the needs of the other Orks, and his ability to emit a single, continuous belch for seventeen minutes. In related news, the Ministorum has vetoed plans for a spin-off series, Big Sister, which would have featured hidden cameras documenting the daily lives of young Sisters at the Delva convent... [continued page 14]
INQUISITION CENSORS GROUND-BREAKING TRI-D SHOW!
Real-time Marine Drama Declared Heretical By Conclave:
The Inquisition has forced extensive editing to be made of the revolutionary new Tri-D show '26', which features the exploits of the Astartes Grey Knights, presented in real time. Though the show has been praised by industry insiders (who declined to be named) for its sharp writing, edge-of-the-seat plotting and outrageous levels of violence, the makers were nonetheless forced to cut out 25 hours, 36 minutes of footage in order to comply with Inquisition guidelines. 'It is preposterous,' said an Inquisition spokesman 'to suggest that the Grey Knights could be caught unawares by a renegade incursion, that there could be a traitor within their ranks, that they do not function with perfect teamwork and selflessness, that they spend most of the time they should be working bitching at each other and getting in each other's way, that chaos forces actually possess more than a miniscule amount of planning and forethought...' [continued pages 19-71]
ENTERTAINMENT - DO YOU WANT TO KNOW MORE?
Imperial Wars prequel accused of plagiarising documentaries: page 7
'Arachnid-Man' heretical, promotes mutants, warns Inquisition: page 6
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YET MORE POWER SABRE RATTLING!
Lord Macharius Jr Jr Jr Threatens To Unleash Exterminatus On 'Bad Guys':
The Governor of the Segmentum Solar has stepped up his war of rhetoric against the Dark Eldar Kabals, calling for the use of tactical magna-melta weapons to deter the Kabals from further slave raiding. 'I mean,' he said in a rambling public address, 'they got all kinds of big guns that frighten the bejeezus out of our people. Splinter guns, dark lances, them disingenator cannons. We can't allow groups like the Kabals to possess those kinds of weapons.' When pointed out that fifteen major Kabals had been supplied with weapons and R&D personnel by Lord Macharius Jr Jr Jr himself, in the hope that they would kill former Governorship rival Lord Ghor, the Governor insisted 'That's not the point! The point is that now they're bad guys, so they can't have all those weapons we gave them!' When contacted for a statement, the leader of the Kabal of the Mutilated Appendage said 'Yeah we're evil, duh.' The Kabal of the Mutilated Appendage has been added to Lord Macharius Jr Jr Jr's list of enemies, referred to by Macharius Jr Jr Jr insiders as the 'Axis of Unpleasantness', alongside the Kabal of the Night Siders, the Kabal of the Severed Earlobe, and (due to Macharius Jr Jr Jr's poor spelling) the Necromunda Cable Supply Company. Analysts point to the impending Segmentum Mid-Term Vote as the reason for the current spate of hard-line rhetoric, but Macharius Jr Jr Jr pointed out that the Imperium had been engaged in thousands of wars for millennia, and what difference would one more make? [continued page 15]
POLITICAL - DO YOU WANT TO KNOW MORE?
Segmentum Pacificus still refuses to take Armageddon refugees: page 3
High Lord Sentaxia dropped from Council for 'not being male': page 17
IMPERIAL CHURCH APOLOGISES!
Cult Imperialis Sorry For Brutal Treatment Of Variant Cults:
Spokespreachers for the Cult Imperialis, the single religion of the Imperium, have expressed their formal regret and sorrow at the brutal, repressive treatment handed out by the Ecclesiarchy against anyone who dared to worship the Emperor in a slightly different manner. 'Historically, the Cult Imperialis has been very hard on those whose religious practices differ from our own' said one preacher, 'and we regret that. We feel deep anguish over having virus-bombed fifteen hundred worlds in order to stamp out rival churches.' When asked if this expression of regret signalled a change in Ecclesiarchy policy towards other cults, the preacher replied 'Hell no! We're still going to wipe them out, of course. We just feel sorry about it.' [continued page 2]
RELIGIOUS - DO YOU WANT TO KNOW MORE?
Ecclesiarch Pious CCXVI - come on and die already!: page 5
Prominent Missionaries deny protecting aliens from genocide: page 14
ALIENS AND ANDROIDS!
Galactic Series Pre-Season Games Showcase New Teams:
New entrant to the Galactic Series, the Necrontyr Steelers, staged a shock upset last week when they defeated defending champions and this year's favourites, the Baal Vampires. The Vampires are still suffering the loss of five of their star players to the Black Rage, while the Steelers took full advantage of their ability to mass-produce skill modules for their player's cyber-cortices. The Steelers are widely tipped to dominate the Alien League this year, patricularly as, at the other end of the pre-season table, the Tau Gunners made a dismal start to their Galactic Series campaign, defeated 89-0 by the Commorragh Wyches, after a tribunal ruled that Crisis Suits were not allowable player equipment. [continued page 22]
SPORTS - DO YOU WANT TO KNOW MORE?
New safety rules in Necromunda 500 - vortex missiles outlawed: page 25
Catachan Sisters dominate women's Thunder Hammer throw: page 23