Issue #27868 - only 5 Imperial Credits
IMPERIUM SUES NECRONS!
Copyright Infringement And Demarcation Could Cripple Robot Empire:
Adeptus Losangelus lawyers acting on behalf of several Imperial agencies today filed suits against the Necrontyr, seeking several billion credits in damages. Top of the list of plantiffs was the Adeptus Mechanicus, which is protesting the Necrons' sudden introduction of a variety of robotic troops and support systems. 'They never sought permission,' said a Mechanicus spokes-clone, 'they just went ahead and built a whole bunch of robot legions. I mean, who put in the hard work inventing robot legions, and making them a household name in the galaxy? Us. If we start having non-Mechanicus robots around, there'll be no way of regulating them, and standards will just go to hell.' Also seeking damages was McImperium, which filed a copyright infringement suit over the unmistakeable similarities between the Necron Monolith and the containers used for McImperium's McHappy Meals. 'I think it's clear,' a McImperium spokesdroid said, 'that the Necrons think they can just do whatever they want, and not be held accountable . That is not going to happen.' [continued page 5]
BUSINESS - DO YOU WANT TO KNOW MORE?
Catachan Fried Devil opens first restaurant in Eye of Terror: page 14
Necron 'Gods' launch anti-monopoly proceedings against Chaos: page 12
Necromundan Spire-lords falsified millions in tithe audits: page 17
REVOLUTION IN VIDEO GAMES!
Adeptus Electronicartus Releases 'Battlefield 41942':
The Adeptus Arbites had to maintain order as the first hundred million copies of this long-awaited game went on sale today to hyperactive fans. BF42, as it's known, simulates over a hundred theatres of conflict throughout the Imperium, including such diverse environments as Hive World surfaces, low-gravity facilities and spacecraft boarding operations. Players will be able to link to the galaxy-wide Imperiumnet, forming armies of amateur Imperial Guardsmen to take on hordes of Orks, Tyranid and Eldar aggressors provided by the Mechanicus's best inorganic cogitators. Better still, the fun and excitement doesn't stop at the local Netgamer establishment! Experts from the Departmento Munitorum will be monitoring the simulated battles, and those players who excel at killing aliens will be automatically preselected for their homeworld's next Imperial Guard regiment. [continued page 3]
ENTERTAINMENT - DO YOU WANT TO KNOW MORE?
Commorragh to broadcast Arena fights on cable Tri-D: page 23
Release of 5th Harry Potter novel delayed again: page 19
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EYE ON CHAOS LIFT-OUT
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DAEMONETTES PROTEST UNFAIR STANDARDS!
Sexual Discrimination, Claim Slaaneshi Lesser Daemons:
If your world is consumed by the horrific madness of Chaos, you might notice that the Daemonettes in Slaanesh's legions are quite a bit younger and sleeker-looking than previously. But spare a thought for all the veteran Daemonettes who've been cast aside in this latest push for sex appeal. 'It's not fair,' protested Vyla Lashtongue, who led a unit of fellow Daemonettes for seven years. 'We've done the hard work, we know how to fight, we've got the experience. But once you start looking a day over 25, everyone says you're over the hill. None of these new girls have any idea what daemonic warfare is about, all they've got are big breasts and good looks. You never see men subjected to these kinds of standards. I mean, Abaddon's ten thousand years old, and all wrinkled and rotten, and no-one cares. But if a Daemonette has one tiny wrinkle, she gets replaced. Battlefield prowess has nothing to do with how attractive you are: look at Kroot, for hell's sake...' [continued page 16]
EYE ON CHAOS - DO YOU WANT TO KNOW MORE?
Obliterators ready for long-awaited redesign: page 17
Tzeentch picked as Quizmaster for The Weakest Link season 2: page 28
Warning: by reading the 'Eye on Chaos' supplement, you agree to have your personal details forwarded to the Inquisition.
CRUNCH TIME IN GALACTIC CUP!
Our Experts Pick This Year's Favourites:
Now that the pre-season games are over, we thought it would be a good time to see what's in store this year in the Galactic Cup. With the first Season games ready to kick off next week, here's our picks for the Imperial League:
BAAL VAMPIRES: Some of the champions who won last year's Cup have moved on to the Death Company, but there's some promising new talent here. And with a proposal before the judiciary to allow Death Company members to continue to play with their teams, the future looks good for the Vampires.
FENRIS WOLVES: A bit of bad luck this season, with many crucial games scheduled to play in warm climates. We know the Wolves like to play on snow and ice-covered grounds, but they've got the raw talent to pull through no matter what's underfoot. A ruling on the legality of the 'Hydrant Decoy' tactic used against the Wolves in last season's semi-final is pending.
MARS TITANS: A dark horse in this year's Imperial League. Last year the Titans failed spectacularly, their slow reactions making them easy targets for opposing players. But since then a tribunal has ruled that meltabombs may not be carried by linesmen, so the heavy armour of the Titan's front row will finally be an asset to them.
And in the Alien League:
COMMORRAGH WYCHES: Newcomers last year, but the Wyches quickly became spectator favourites thanks to their skimpy uniforms and ultra-violent tendencies. Since last year's ruling that a game halted due to the death of all opposing team members is a draw, the Wyches have been concentrating on developing their scoring skills. This year will be a test for them, but we expect them to pass with flying colours.
NECRON STEELERS: Inflicted a humiliating defeat on the Vampires in the pre-season, but their weakness was revealed in their next match when the little-fancied Cadian Commandos fielded five players carrying haywire grenades. What countermeasures the Steelers will come up with is yet to be seen.
GOFF BULLS: Last season was unremarkable for this veteran team, but with the graduation of several promising players from the Yoof Skwad, the Bulls have a line-up to impress anyone. It's been a while since the Orks got past the quarter-finals, but fans always show up in numbers to Bulls games (though mainly just for the free fungus beer).
SPORTS - DO YOU WANT TO KNOW MORE?
F1 Warship racing 'just damn boring' with new safety measures: page 18
All entrants in Catachan Jungle Marathon eaten before finishing: page 12