by Chris Cook
Based on The Rocky Horror Picture Show by Richard O'Brien, and Buffy The Vampire Slayer by Joss Whedon and his talented minionators. All original material, such as it is, is copyright 2002-2003 Chris Cook.

BUFFY SUMMERS, a Slayer and Narrator
WILLOW ROSENBERG, a Cute Wholesome Lesbian Witch
TARA MACLAY, also a Cute Wholesome Lesbian Witch
SPIKE, a Vampiric Manservant
DRUSILLA, a Vampiric Maid
ANYA EMERSON, a Demonic Groupie
XANDER HARRIS, a Testosterone-Driven Male
RILEY FINN, a Creature with Muscles
RUPERT GILES, a Watcher and Scientist
and A MYSTERY GUEST, as the Master of Evil Goings-On.

A pair of LIPS appear. They have fangs.

('Science Fiction/Double Feature')

LIPS:There's a Mantis in school,
Making guys act like fools,
But our hero's here to save the day.
And Darla's hanging around,
Making skanky sounds,
But we know that she won't get away.
The invisible girl,
She just hates all the world,
She wants to slice Cordy's face into shreds.
But there's nothing to fear,
We don't mind undead 'round here,
Cause the Slayer makes sure they all stay dead!

CHORUS:Buffy Summers, vampire slayer,
Angel really wants to lay her.
See Will and Tara's girl-girl magic,
Xander and Anya are very tragic,
Woh-oh oh oh...
In the town upon the Hellmouth, Sunnydale.

LIPS:We've got werewolves and ghouls,
And demon-cursed schools,
And the Mayor likes to sacrifice kids.
Even the hospital's got
It's own Kinderstod,
Or so it seems from all the blood-stains it leaves.
Our parents all said
We'd wind up dead,
If we ever wandered 'round late at night.
But if a demon attacks,
We know how to strike back
'Cause we'll never be alone in a fight!
Not with...

CHORUS:Buffy Summers, vampire slayer,
Angel really wants to lay her.
See Will and Tara's girl-girl magic,
Xander and Anya are very tragic,
Woh-oh oh oh...
In the town upon the Hellmouth, Sunnydale.
It's quite a tale,
In the town upon the Hellmouth, Sunnydale.
She never fails,
In the town upon the Hellmouth, Sunnydale.
The undead wail,
In the town,
Upon the Hellmouth:

Fade in to the front doors of SUNNYDALE CHURCH. A group of HUMANS and VENGEANCE DEMONS are waiting outside. The doors creak open.

DEMON #1: Here they come! Human faces everyone!

The Vengeance Demons all morph into humans, except for HALFREK, who is busy bitching about how the marriage will never last. She gets caught by surprise - still with a demonic visage - as the doors open.


The PRIEST leading the procession sees her, and uncorks and throws a bottle of holy water like a commando with a grenade. The other Demons keep their distance as Halfrek bursts into flame and dies horribly and painfully.

DEMON #1: That was gratuitous.

DEMON #2: Tough priests they've got here.

DEMON #1: On the Hellmouth, can you blame 'em?

The wedding guests spill out of the church, surrounding the happy couple, XANDER and ANYA. JONATHAN sets up a camera and organises everyone into a picture.

JONATHAN: Okay everyone, let's get a picture now. Um, is the priest gone? Okay, Xander and Anya in front, Scoobies and friends behind them, parents and members of the Vengeance Council in the back. Okay, perfect!

He takes some photos. People mill around. WILLOW and TARA go up to Xander and Anya to congratulate them.

XANDER: Hey Will! Tara, hi.

WILLOW: I thought that went much better than last time. No phoney time-travelling doppelganger demons this time?

XANDER: Just the one, but Ahn cursed him into the sixteenth century.

ANYA: They don't like demons there.

Anya heads to the church steps to toss the bouquet.

WILLOW: Well, I'm glad things worked out for you.

XANDER: Thanks. How about you guys, any plans?

Anya throws the bouquet high in the air. In the middle of its arc it makes a sharp left turn and flies into Tara's hand. Willow winks covertly at Xander.

WILLOW: Who knows?

XANDER: The Shadow knows!


XANDER: Sorry. Geek attack.

Anya and Tara rejoin the group.

ANYA: Well, you caught the flowers, so I suppose you'll be off to have lots of implied-engagement sex now.

Tara goes somewhat pink.

XANDER: And on that note, I think it's time for us to take to the honeymoon-mobile.

Xander and Anya say their goodbyes, get into their car and drive off. Willow and Tara remain in front of the Church as the wedding guests disperse.

TARA: That was so sweet. And Anya looked beautiful in her dress! And where did Xander get that tuxedo from?

WILLOW: Halloween a few years ago, I think. Yep, they're a cute couple. Even with the excess groping in the 'you may kiss the bride' bit.

TARA: You noticed that too, huh?

WILLOW: And Anya's got the Magic Box back up and running, and Xander's about to get promoted again.

TARA: Yes.

WILLOW: And it's like just a teensy while ago he was living in his parents' basement, and her conversation was mostly just her saying 'orgasm' every other word.

TARA: Still does.

WILLOW: More often in context though. Yep, makes you think. It's just a few years since we blew up the school, and they met. And then college, where we met...

Willow makes a decision.

('Dammit Janet')

WILLOW: Hey Tara.

TARA: Yes Willow?

WILLOW: I've got something to say.

TARA: Uh-huh?

WILLOW: I really loved the... skilful way you put an attraction charm on the bride's bouquet.

The bouquet is still sticking to Tara's hand. She shakes it a bit, but it stays put.

TARA: I might have overdone it a little.

Willow breaks into song. But they're used to that sort of thing in Sunnydale.

WILLOW:There's one girl for me, and you are her, Tara,
I won't go a single step farther, Tara,
Until I've been told your answer, Tara,
I've one thing to say and that's,
Tara, sweetheart, marry me!
We'll have a wonderous wedding like no other, Tara,
And invite Giles instead of your father,

TARA (relieved): Phew!

WILLOW:Just say yes, and make my heart flutter, Tara,
I've one thing to say and that's,
Tara, goddess,

Willow gestures at the church doors, upon which fallen rose petals arrange themselves into a heart and arrow.

WILLOW: Marry me!

Willow does a conjurer-style hand motion and produces a gold ring.

WILLOW:Here's the ring I had
Made for you solely
Of all the ways I could've gone,
Like bi-sexual, straight or women-only,
Oh, it doesn't matter now,
I'm yours alone!

Tara takes the ring, beaming, and does a pirouette, phasing straight through the church doors, leading Willow by the hand. Inside:

TARA:Oh, there's no way I could ever say no, Willow,
I've been hoping for this from the word go, Willow,
Since I saw you that day and thought 'hey, whoa!', Willow,
I've one thing to say, and that's,
Willow, honey, I d-d-do!

The Priest and a helper are arranging a coffin in the background for a funeral.

TARA:Oh, Willow!

WILLOW:Oh, Tara...

TARA:I need you...

WILLOW (speaking): What, right here?

Tara winks and kisses her.

TARA:I love you,

WILLOW:I love you too-oo...

The body in the coffin sits up and headbutts the Priest.

TARA & WILLOW:There's one thing left to do!

Willow absent-mindedly blasts a shard of wood off a chair, which Tara telekinetics through the vampire's chest.

TARA (speaking): Apart from that.

WILLOW:And that's go tell the gang all about it, Tara,
Dawn and Buffy and Xander and Anya - Tara -
And have a huge champagne party, with pizza, Tara,

Tara raises an eyebrow at the 'pizza' thing.

WILLOW(speaking): Well, it rhymed.
(singing again): I've one thing to say, and that's,
Tara, lover, oh thank you!

Willow levitates the ring onto Tara's finger.

WILLOW:Tara, honey,

Tara does a similar conjurer-trick and produces a ring for Willow, which she puts on.

TARA:Willow, only you,

WILLOW:Tara, sweetheart -

Golden sparkles appear in the air as they lean close.

TARA & WILLOW:I love you...

They kiss. The sparkles pop like fireworks.

Off this image of cute girl-on-girl bliss, cut to BUFFY'S OFFICE at school. BUFFY is looking exceedingly bored, and doesn't notice she's on camera for a second or two.

BUFFY: Oh, am I on now? Took long enough. Ahem. I would like, if I may, to take you on a strange journey.

She shoves aside a bunch of student case-files on her shelves to reveal some old Watcher-type books. She selects one - titled 'The Sunnydale Affair' - and opens it. She puts on Giles' reading glasses, then squints through them.

BUFFY: Geez, can't see a thing in these. I swear he only wears them so he can take them off and polish them theatrically.

She tosses the glasses away.

BUFFY: It seemed a fairly ordinary night when the newly-engaged Willow and Tara - two young, ordinary sapphic-type wiccas - left their engagement party at the Summers household to go pick up one Rupert Giles, ex-Watcher and friend to them both, from the airport. It's true there were dark storm clouds - but hey, this is the Hellmouth, there's pretty much always something ominous going on. In any case, they being happy young girls on a night out, and mega-powerful witches as well, they weren't going to let a little rain spoil the events of their evening.

She closes the book, marking her place. Thunder rolls in the background.

BUFFY: On a night out. It was a night that they were going to remember for- well, at least a week, until the next weird thing happened.

There is a flash of lightning outside Buffy's window. She looks suspiciously at it.

BUFFY: Did this office used to have a window?

Cut to Willow and Tara wandering along a road in Sunnydale. Rain is thundering down in a torrential blitz. Willow is carrying an umbrella, which the rain is veering away from about a metre before it touches, such that the girls remain dry. Tara is carrying a walkman radio, which is playing an old sci-fi serial.

ORSON WELLES (on radio): A strange meteor came hurtling down out of the sky that night, carrying inside it a creature not of this Earth...

WILLOW: Been there...

TARA: ...done that.

A motorcycle screams past them on the road.

TARA: That's the third one tonight. It's not more Hellion Demons, is it?

A ball of blue fire coalesces in her palm. Willow waves a hand, lensing the air in front of her so she can see the retreating biker in detail.

WILLOW: Nope, looks human.

TARA: Oh, good.

She spots a vampire leaping out from behind a hedge to attack a helpless teenager across the street. She casually tosses her fireball into the air and swats it towards the vamp. It morphs into a stake half-way, and dusts him. The teenager shrugs and wanders off.

TARA: Isn't Buffy out patrolling tonight?

WILLOW: Nope, she's stuck in her office, 'cause of the whole musical thing.

Cut to Buffy, in her school office, very bored, firing crossbow bolts at the portraits of former principals Flutie and Snyder across the room. PRINCIPAL WOOD opens his door just as a bolt thuds into the wall beside him.

WOOD: Um, never mind.

He closes the door again.

Back to the girls:

TARA: Maybe we should give her a call? I mean, she missed Xander and Anya's wedding, and our pizza party and all, just to do some narrating... she's probably a bit down.

WILLOW: Yeah, good idea. Accio mobile phone!

Willow holds up her hand. After a moment her mobile swerves around the end of the street and flies to her. She looks at it.

WILLOW: Oh, out of range.

TARA: We should've learned an antenna-boosting spell or something.

WILLOW: Maybe we can use a phone at one of these houses?

Willow and Tara look at the house they have been walking past. Unlike the other normal suburban homes, this one is a gothic-looking castle with turrets, battlements, a huge geodesic dome and an impressive array of background lightning silhouetting it against the night sky. Willow and Tara share a look.

WILLOW: Well, look at it this way. We could try another house...

TARA: ...but this is a giant Brides of Dracula castle that's just appeared in the middle of Sunnydale...

WILLOW: we're going to end up having to go inside for some reason. Why waste time?

Tara levitates her radio and sends it off towards home. The pair set off up the path towards the castle.

('Over at the Frankenstein Place')

TARA:Every ratings season,
Every Tuesday night,
There's a fight,
No matter where we are.
Some demons always storm in from afar.

Lightning crashes.

TARA & WILLOW:There's a fight,

A vampire leaps out from behind a tree.

VAMPIRE:Some vampire tries to suck your neck!

Willow's mobile phone aerial extends three feet and gains an edge. She decapitates the vamp, which dusts as it falls.

TARA & WILLOW:There's a fight,

A Fyarl Demon rises up from behind a rock.

FYARL DEMON:Or we turn Buffy's house to a wreck!

Tara conjures a silver stiletto which nails the Fyarl between the eyes.

TARA & WILLOW:There's a fight, a fight,
Around ten-thirty, every Tuesday night.

From a barred window high in the castle's tower, a silhouette watches the two witches approach. It raises a candelabra, lighting its face - it is SPIKE.

SPIKE:It's dark now, and so,
After sleeping away the day,
My plan begins, and lo:
The witches come this way,
I'll give them a fight...

Lightning flashes in the sky behind the tower.

SPIKE:Such a fight...

Below, Willow and Tara are oblivious to the vampire watching them.

TARA & WILLOW:There's a fight,
Perhaps a bunch of flesh-eating wasps,
There's a fight,
Or a school coach out to win at all costs,
There's a fight, a fight,
Around ten-thirty, every Tuesday night.

The pair reach the wrought-iron gate of the castle. A flash of lightning reveals the rusted sign bolted to it: ENTIRELY NON-THREATENING CASTLE.

Cut to Buffy's office. She leans forward with some urgency.

BUFFY: And so it seemed that fortune had smiled on Willow and Tara and that they had found the assistance they required. Or had they?

She looks pointedly at the camera for a moment, then sighs.

BUFFY: Well, given the whole enormous gothic castle thing, and how pathetically fake that sign looked, and that it's now (she glances at her watch) ten-forty-six Tuesday night, I'm leaning towards 'they have not'.

She opens the Sunnydale Affair book and glances at the page.

BUFFY: Yep, thought so.

Lightning and thunder carries on outside the window.

BUFFY: I still say it should be a school corridor out there.

Cut back to the castle. Willow rings the doorbell.

TARA: Willow, let's go back. That sign was too dumb for us to even pretend to be fooled by.

WILLOW: Just a moment, they may have a telephone. In a castle. In which we're certainly going to end up fighting for our lives - well, that should bring Buffy down here anyway, so let's get on with it. And then we'll have done this week's big demony fight, and we'll have a whole six days of drama-less snuggle time before the next one.

TARA: 'Kay.

There are footsteps from high above in the tower. They take a long time getting down. Willow and Tara look around aimlessly for a while, fidget a bit, then both launch into a huge kiss-of-the-century smooch. They break off as the door creaks open. Spike leans his head around the edge of it.

SPIKE: Hello pet.

WILLOW: Spike, what are you- no, I don't care, it's not like the explanation would be any good anyway. Does this place have a phone?

SPIKE: You're wet.

Willow and Tara both blush furiously.

TARA: Well, um, the rain! It's been raining heavy, is what I mean. So yes, we're rainwater-type wet, obviously. Yes.


Spike observes the absolute lack of any rain on Willow and Tara's clothes. Both witches take a step back, out from under the porch, so that their clothes get a little wet. They step forward again, Willow glaring at Spike as if daring him to comment.

SPIKE: Yes. I think you had better both come inside.

TARA: You're too kind.

SPIKE: Jeez, no need to be sarcastic, I'm just being bloody polite.

Spike leads them through the doors and along the hall. There is music from the room at the other end of the hall.

TARA: What kind of place is this?

WILLOW: Oh, it's probably just some kind of excuse to put us in the middle of another musical.

Spike stops are gives her a will-you-take-this-seriously look.

SPIKE: This way.

They follow Spike along the hall, past a flight of stairs upon which (unseen) DRUSILLA is dusting a suit of armour, with a decaying corpse inside it. The music is louder.

TARA: Are you... having a party?

SPIKE: No. You've arrived on a rather special night.

Willow and Tara glance at each other.

TARA & WILLOW: Tuesday.

SPIKE: The master-

WILLOW: The Master?

SPIKE: Figure of speech, pet, not the actual Master. As I was saying, it's one of the master's affairs.

TARA (mumbling): Which one?

WILLOW: Oh, lucky him.

DRUSILLA: She's lucky! You're lucky, I'm lucky, Miss Primrose Polyanna is lucky! We're all lucky!

Tara whispers to Willow.

TARA: That's Drusilla?


TARA: Always been that big with the insane?

WILLOW: Pretty much.

Spike spins around and strikes a pose between two mirrors facing each other, reflecting into infinity (though not reflecting him, obviously).

('The Time Warp')

SPIKE:It's astounding,
She was fleeing,
Angel had taken his toll.
But when she found me,

DRUSILLA:Watching stupid soap operas!

SPIKE:I found I was in control!
I remember, being her henchman,
Relying on her for everything!
But now I'm my own vamp,
And I had an insane plan:

Spike bursts through the doors into the ballroom beyond. It is filled with vampires, all in various interpretations of party outfits. A banner proclaims the event to be the 'Annual Transylvanian Vampire Convention'.

SPIKE:I'll be the Big Bad again!

VAMPIRES:He'll be the Big Bad again!

In her office, Buffy picks up a pointer and indicates a chalkboard behind her, which says 'Spike = Evil'.

BUFFY: He just has to drink blood.

Back in the ballroom, the vampires mime biting a victim.

VAMPIRES:And once more stalk the night!

BUFFY: No more being in love.

VAMPIRES:And he's regained his bite!
But it's the chance to be dark,
And put the Slayer in pain,
That says he's the Big Bad again!

SPIKE:Now I'm the Big Bad again!

Willow and Tara gaze steadily at this, nod to each other, and turn to leave - only to find their way blocked by Drusilla.

DRUSILLA:It's so dreamy,
He's all hot and creamy,


DRUSILLA:And once more he needs me,
To give him prophecies.
From another dimension,
With haemovorous intention,
With my pet rock, I see all!

Tara glances at Willow for clarification - she just shrugs.

SPIKE:With an army to call mine,
I'm back in the big time,
And this town won't ever be the same.

DRUSILLA:There'll be no more slaying,

SPIKE:You'll have to go back to praying!
Now I'm the Big Bad again!

VAMPIRES:Now he's the Big Bad again!

The crowd of vampires part, and Willow and Tara are surprised to see Anya, dressed in a sparkly outfit and top hat.

ANYA:Well we were walking down the street,
In post-marital bliss,
When this girl turned up,
That ya couldn't miss!
Well it shook me up,
But Xander knew her name,
She said she had a Playstation,
And offered him a game!
The stupid big oaf,
Just had to have a go,
And so he came in here,
With me in tow!

She does a quick tap dance routine, including an interlude of her 'dancing crazy' steps from 'I'll Never Tell'. Finally she winds up beside Willow and Tara, with a sort of helpless shrug.

VAMPIRES:And they're trapped by the Big Bad again!

SPIKE:I love being Big Bad again!

BUFFY: He just has to drink blood,

VAMPIRES:And once more stalk the night!

BUFFY: No more being in love,

VAMPRIES:Now he's regained his bite!
But it's the chance to be dark,
And put the Slayer in pain,
That says he's the Big Bad again!

SPIKE:Now I'm the Big Bad again!

The music winds down, and the vampires fall in behind Spike and Dru, slowly advancing on Willow and Tara.

TARA: Willow, say something!

WILLOW: Say, do any of you guys know Amy Madison?

The vampires enter a quick huddle, and decide that they don't.

TARA: Huh?

WILLOW: Well, they could kidnap her instead, and then let Xander and Anya go, and we could all just go home.

TARA: That's kind of harsh... but fair. And we've saved the world a few times, I guess we've got enough good karma to sit this one out.

They back away from the vampires. Anya tags along.

WILLOW: Hey Anya, did you say Xander knew someone here?

ANYA: Yes, the master.

TARA: Let's just get Xander and get out of here.

WILLOW: It's just Spike and Dru being loopy. They're foreigners, they probably have their own weird folk-ways.

TARA: I thought they were British.

ANYA: Well so's Giles, and he's pretty strange.

Behind them a lift descends, bearing a slim figure in a black cloak, with a stiletto heel tapping in time to the music that's starting up.

TARA: Well, Anya, who's this master? If it's not the ugly old vampire guy Willow told me about.

ANYA: She's here.

WILLOW: I'm sure it's nothing to worry about.

They turn around to see: FAITH.

TARA & WILLOW: Oh crap.

('Sweet Transvestite')

FAITH:How do you do,
I see you've met the vamps: him and her.
Spike's just a little brought down,
Because when you knocked,
He thought it might be the Slayer.

Spike growls. Faith strides into the ballroom, with the vampires herding Willow, Tara and Anya in behind her.

FAITH:Don't get strung out,
'Cause I'm back in town,
I'm so over my self-destructive stage.

She reaches the throne and turns to face her followers.

FAITH:I've found a new way to play,
With my Slayer ways,
That's much more fun than blinding red rage.

She throws off her cloak, revealing - well, you know the outfit she's wearing. Let's just say Eliza Dushku makes it work a whole lot better than Tim Curry ever did.

FAITH:I'm just a sweet sex kitten!
With an army of smitten Transylvanians!
Have a look at the new me,
Now I'm good as can be,
My days of evil are far gone.
Now I'm just into seduction,
And a little lust production,
Not to mention the occasional song.

WILLOW:Um, nice to see you again,
And seeing as you're good, then,
You won't mind letting us get away?

TARA: Right?

WILLOW:We'll just give Buffy a call,
She'll come kill Spike and all,
And you can, sort of, stay out of her way?

Faith spins to face Willow.

FAITH:No, I don't think so, Red!
I don't want Spike dead.
He's quite a useful vampire.
So you two stay the night,
I'm sure you'll do alright,
So long as you're not too quick to tire!
I'm just a sweet sex kitten,
With an army of smitten Transylvanians!

She gestures to Willow and Tara.

FAITH:Serious, you can both stay the night.

SPIKE & DRU: Night!

FAITH:Maybe have a bite?

SPIKE & DRU: Bite!

FAITH:And I can show you my favourite accessory.
See, my love life's a bit at a loss,
Since I gave Xander the toss,

Anya frowns and 'hrmph's.

FAITH:So I've made something to relieve that necessity.
I'm just a sweet sex kitten,
With an army of smitten Transylvanians.

Faith twirls around and marches her vampires back out of the ballroom towards the elevator.

FAITH:I'm just a sweet sex kitten,

VAMPIRES:Sweet sex kitten!

FAITH:With an army of smitten Transylvanians!

She reaches the elevator and turns back to face Willow and Tara.

FAITH:So come up to my lab,
And see what's on the slab,
I'm sure it'll give you a... thrill.
And maybe you might
Find something you like
Maybe even turn you both a little... straight!

The elevator carries Faith up and away. Spike and Drusilla advance on Willow and Tara from behind and reach out to tear their clothes off. Their claws slide off an invisible shield just as they are about to touch the girls. They try again a couple of times, then stand around looking embarrassed.

TARA: Um, what are you doing?

WILLOW: Were you trying to undress us?

SPIKE: Well... yeah. It's a thing with her, the clothes and so on... just do us a favour, would you?

TARA: Willow, this is getting kind of weird.

WILLOW: I noticed. Still, maybe if we play along we'll be able to find out what their evil plan is, and then stop them in their tracks, all while they think they have us in their power?

SPIKE: Um, we're right here.

TARA: Good plan. Quick undressing spell?

WILLOW: Let's do it.

Willow and Tara link hands and their clothes fly off like a shrapnel bomb, leaving them in their underwear.

ANYA: You guys have practiced that spell a lot, haven't you?

Willow and Tara blush.

WILLOW (unconvincingly): No, of course not.

ANYA: A demon can sense these things. You're very lucky to be invited up to her lab. Xander's the only person she's taken up there so far. And he didn't come back...

TARA: Aren't you worried about him?

ANYA: Oh, I'm sure he's fine. You know what he's like, foolish but durable.

SPIKE: Yeah all right, enough yakking. Come on you two. And you.

Spike and Drusilla pull Willow, Tara and Anya into the elevator as it returns to ground level. It begins rattling up towards the lab.

TARA: So, is Faith still, you know, evil?

SPIKE: The master is in an unusual position with regards to good and evil. We beings of evil are merely her servants.


The elevator arrives in the laboratory. The doors open, and Spike and Drusilla herd the girls out. The laboratory looks like it was stolen from the Initiative via The X Files, except that the entire place is covered in-

TARA: Pink tiles?

WILLOW: One good taste spell coming right up.

Willow and Tara link hands again. A wave of transfiguration spreads from them, changing the pink tiling into the more conventional white-and-chrome Secret Laboratory decor. Faith, who is fiddling with a control panel on the wall, gets quite a shock when the floor changes colour beneath her.

FAITH: What the?!?

Spike nods ruefully at the witches.

FAITH: Do you know how long it took Spike to set all those tiles? Never mind; Spike, the controls. Drusilla, Anya, help him.

The vampires head to their posts. Anya huffs and follows them.

FAITH: I will entertain our overly-thaumaturgic friends. Hey Red, good to see you again. And I remember you, you're her girlfriend?

WILLOW (proudly): FiancÚ.

TARA: Tara Maclay.

FAITH: EnchantÚ. And what charming underclothes you both have. Will, they match your eyes. And Tara, I wouldn't have picked you for a satin girl!

She takes a pair of dressing gowns from the wall and hands them to the witches.

FAITH: Here, put these on. They'll make you feel less vulnerable.

Willow and Tara share a look of disbelief. Auras of energy appear around their bodies, drawing the light out of the lab and concentrating it around them.

WILLOW: What makes you think we're feeling vulnerable?

FAITH: Okay, stop showing off, we get the idea.

The world returns to normal.

FAITH: It's not often we have visitors here. Let alone offer them hospitality.

WILLOW: Hospitality? Look you, the only reason we're here is that a big spooky gothic castle appeared in the middle of Sunnydale, and we always end up having to investigate that sort of thing.

TARA: Honey, maybe we shouldn't be so postmodern?

WILLOW: Well...

TARA: Well, she is a Slayer.

WILLOW: If she looks at your underwear any more she'll be an ex-Slayer.

TARA: You're so sweet when you're protective...

FAITH: How forceful you've become, Red. So take-charge and decisive. I guess not driving stick agrees with you. You must be very proud of her Tara.

TARA: Yes, I am.

The vampires, who have been quietly filing into the laboratory's observation balcony above, make 'aw, isn't that sweet' noises.

FAITH: So, got any tattoos while I was away?


FAITH: But you've still got the cute Vampire Willow outfit, right?

Tara grins to herself. Spike approaches from behind Faith.

SPIKE: Everything is in readiness. We merely await your word.

Faith stalks over to a podium in the centre of the lab and poses for her vampire horde.

FAITH: Tonight, my lust-struck minions, you are to witness a breakthrough in bio-sexual research! And Sunnydale will be mine.

The vampires applaud. Faith smiles for a moment, then silences them with a stare.

FAITH: It was strange, the way it happened. I was just sitting in my cell back in LA, thinking about where it all went wrong, and then it came to me: it wasn't the Mayor, or the whole good and evil thing. It was just the fact that there were two of us, two Slayers. There shouldn't be two, only one. The chosen one. But how to know which one of us it was to be? And that's when I figured it all out: it's me or her, one on one to the death. But first, first we need to level the playing field.

Faith turns to Willow and Tara.

FAITH: Buffy's got you two, her magical artillery. Together you're unstoppable - but that's the key, the elusive ingredient: together. Apart you're just witches, and you'll be in no position to interfere with a duel between the Slayers. You two are very fortunate, you know. I've spared no expense. I have created the ultimate man, just for you: to turn you straight! And once you're on the path of lusting after boys, and no longer together, then Buffy and I will have our prophesied battle!

Willow leans close to Tara and whispers in her ear.

WILLOW: That is the stupidest plan I've ever heard.

TARA: What about Oz's craziest-ever plan?

WILLOW: Hummus? Well... okay, maybe this is the second-stupidest. But it's a photo finish. I think Faith might not be thinking entirely straight. No pun intended.

Faith is oblivious to this commentary on her master plan. She crosses the lab to where Drusilla and Anya pull back a red sheet to reveal a body immersed in liquid, wrapped in bandages. Spike wheels over the controls.

FAITH: Throw open the switches!

Spike does something techy to the controls.

FAITH: Step up the reactor power by three points!

Drusilla flips three switches. The liquid tank hums with energy. A chandelier, covered with chemical cannisters, lowers to within Faith's reach, and she begins emptying the chemicals into the tank. The body inside starts to stir.

TARA: Willow...

WILLOW: It's alright honey.

The liquid drains from the tank. The bandaged figure slowly stands up. Faith gleefully unwraps the bandages from its head.

FAITH: Behold, the pinnacle of manhood!

She pulls away the bandages to reveal: RILEY FINN.

WILLOW: Um, excuse us for a moment.

Willow and Tara calmly link hands and concentrate. A bubble of time forms around them, and everyone else in the room slowly to a halt, frozen in position.

TARA: Okay, can they see or hear us at all?

WILLOW: Time flow less than one part per million... not even a Slayer can function in time that slowed.

TARA: Right then.

Both witches burst out laughing, leaning on each other so they don't fall over from the hilarity. This continues for quite a while. When they have finally laughed themselves silly - both having dropped to the floor with their arms around each other for support - Tara waves a hand, and time returns to normal. Faith continues as if nothing had happened.

FAITH: Pretty cool, huh?

WILLOW: Um, yep, I can feel my heterosexuality stirring as we speak.

TARA: I'm experiencing feelings of boy-wanting that are entirely new to me.

Faith is distracted from this less-than-sincere reaction by Spike, who spins the chandelier control, sending the chandelier, and Riley who is clinging to it, soaring up towards the roof of the laboratory.

('Sword of Damocles')

RILEY:Some Venezuelan demon was trying to bite off my head,
And the batteries in my pump-action blaster had gone all dead.
When I'm about to flee,
This girl comes and kidnaps me,
Rebuilds me to be
The keystone of some whacked-out evil plan!

Riley jumps down and lands with a roll. Drusilla and Anya start cutting away his bandages.

RILEY:I woke up to find I've been remodelled while I was in bed.

VAMPIRES:That ain't no crime!

RILEY:And I've got a feeling that my brain's been removed from my head!

VAMPIRES:That ain't no crime!

RILEY:I'm a soldier no more,
There's no way I can rejoin the Corps
And I'm pretty sore
About being just a part of some crazy girl's plan!

Faith grabs Riley from behind. He pulls away, spun around by the bandages so they unwind as he goes.

VAMPIRES:Sha-la la la,
That ain't no crime!

RILEY:Oh no, no, no!

VAMPIRES:Sha-la la la,
That ain't no crime!

RILEY:Oh no, no, no!

They repeat the chorus a couple of times until Riley's bandages are gone. He stands there, clad only in a pair of gold boxer shorts.

RILEY:Now I'm just a construct for her to use as part of her plan,

VAMPIRES:That ain't no crime!

RILEY:For some reason she's trained me to be the ultimate man,

VAMPIRES:That ain't no crime!

RILEY:Oh no, no, no!

VAMPIRES:That ain't no crime!

Riley finally ends up in front of a pair of curtains at one side of the laboratory. Faith pulls them back to reveal a fully equipped bridal suite, complete with bunches of roses, lots of red leather upholstry, and a king-sized bed. She pushes Riley down onto the bed and scolds him.

FAITH: Really! Is that any way to behave on your first day as a new man? But seeing as you're such a fine specimen of manhood, I'll forgive you.

She nods at him, then returns to the middle of the laboratory, where Spike and Drusilla have been waiting.

FAITH: I just love success.

SPIKE: He's a credit to your genius.


DRUSILLA: A veritable cupcake of scrumptiousness.

FAITH: Whatever.

ANYA: Um, it's Riley.

Faith turns on her.

FAITH: 'Riley'? Just 'Riley'? I see you never got to know him as well as I did, babe! You!

She pins Tara with a stare.

FAITH: Whattaya think?

TARA: Um, well, it's Riley.

FAITH: And what's wrong with that? He was quite the stud muffin when last I saw him!

TARA: Well, I'm sure that's true...

WILLOW: Buffy spoke highly of him in that regard...

TARA: It's just that, apart from that particular activity, he's a bit, well...

WILLOW: Vacant.

TARA: Boring.

WILLOW: Tedious.

ANYA: Vacuous.

TARA: Uninspiring.

WILLOW: Unimaginative, corn-fed Iowa-boy kind of thing.

FAITH: I didn't make him for you!

She looks defiant, then doubt creeps in.

FAITH: Well, I guess I did actually. Um...

Faith looks a little dispirited, but then perks up.

FAITH: But he goes all night like a machine, take it from me! He carries the Faith seal of approval! And I may have been inhabiting Buffy's body at the time, but boy did he do well in the practical section of the test!

She strides over to Riley's bed and shows him off.

('I Can Make You A Man')

FAITH:A stallion, with the stamina of a horse,
He can go for days, he'll stay the course.
He's worked out in the gym,
So that his chiselled chin
Will be matched by the form,

She taps his chest.

FAITH:Of the muscles within.
Watch him glisten,
And say,
That you're wishing,
You weren't gay-ay-ay?
For he's virile,
And studly;
He's such a strong man!

SPIKE & DRU:But the wrong man!

FAITH(speaking): Not helping!
(singing): But he's tall, and lean,
And he's got manly pecs,
He's clean-shaven, and cuddly,
And look at those legs!
Such perfection!
All part of my plan!
In just seven days,

She turns and fixes Willow and Tara with a stare.

FAITH:I'll make you want a maa-aa-a-a-an!
You'll shun Ellen, and Indigo Girls,
And you'll watch Xena no more.
With one touch of his magic,
You'll forget what tight jeans are for!

TARA & WILLOW (quietly): Pants day!

FAITH:No more sapphic magic,
Once I've made you understand,
In just seven days,
I'll make you want a maa-aa-a-a-an!

Faith's final note is underscored by a metallic clang from a huge refrigeration chamber built into the other side of the lab. The door swings open, revealing a wall of ice, through which bursts - XANDER, on a Harley. He has a bandage running around his head with electrodes trailing from it, but is otherwise normal apart from a layer of frost.

WILLOW: Xander?

ANYA: Xander!

Anya leaps onto Xander's bike and hugs him.

ANYA: Where were you?

XANDER: Stayin' cool, baby. I had the wierdest dream, Faith turned up and lured me into a huge castle, and then while I was kicking her butt on Playstation she knocked me out, then removed my brain and left me in a freezer with this cool bike.

He looks at the bike for a moment.


ANYA: Um, honey? That was real.

TARA: Xander's brain's been taken out?

XANDER: Aw, man!

Xander gets off the bike and storms towards Faith, Spike and Dru, who retreat before him.

('Hot Patootie - Bless My Soul')

XANDER:Whatever happened to the good old fights?
When we killed the demons and it turned out all right?
I know it always seemed a little bit trite,
But it's nice when I thought things would all work out fine.

He punches Spike, who falls over backwards into Dru's arms.

XANDER:Now every time we win, there's always a catch,
For every demon we slay there's another new batch,
If my life was a powder keg the script dropped a match,
Now whatever we do, we always run out of time!

Anya kicks Spike's control panel, causing the laboratory's lights start strobing like the Bronze.

XANDER:Hey Joss Whedon, give us a break!
A happy ending, for pity's sake!
Hey Joss Whedon, give us a break!
A happy ending, for pity's sake!

As the chorus repeats, the camera pans around to where Joss is sitting in a director's chair beside his film crew. He gives a non-committal shrug and goes back to reading his script. Xander gives up and jumps onto the Harley, striking an electric-guitar pose.

XANDER:I knew Willow all along but never asked her out,
She would've told me 'yes' but I went without,
Then Cordy came along, and without a doubt,
That's when I thought of Willow, and started to falter.
So I screwed over both the girls who really cared,
Then Anya came along and jumped into my bed,
I was so in love, and agreed to get wed,
Then I had some stupid doubts and left her at the altar!

Xander jams the bike into gear and charges around the laboratory, up over the observation balcony, sending vampires scattering.

XANDER:Hey Joss Whedon, give us a break!
A happy ending, for pity's sake!
Hey Joss Whedon, give us a break!
A happy ending, for pity's sake!

Faith pushes Spike out of the way and leaps up onto the balcony into Xander's path. He is oblivious to her, intent on singing and running over vampires.

XANDER:Hey Joss Whedon, give us a break!
A happy ending, for pity's sake!
Hey Joss Whedon, give us a break!
A happy ending, for pity's sake!

When he reaches Faith she does a roundhouse kick that knocks him off the bike, over the balcony railing, and straight down into the freezer. There is a crash from inside as his body hits the huge ice blocks, and a cloud of frozen mist billows out across the laboratory floor. Anya storms up to Faith as she flips back down to ground level.

ANYA: You killed him!

Xander's voice echoes out of the freezer.

XANDER: Oh, that's gonna leave a bruise...

ANYA: Um... well, you kicked him!

FAITH: Relax, it's what I do. He should've stayed in the vault. I needed parts of his brain to enhance my wonderful creation here...

Faith strokes Riley's chest approvingly.

FAITH: But he didn't have the muscle I needed.

She turns back to Willow and Tara.

FAITH: And don't let this little incident distract you two from your purpose here. Take a good look at Riley, because in just a couple of hours he'll be ready to tear your homosexuality to shreds.

She looks at Riley again.

('I Can Make You A Man': Reprise)

FAITH:No more girlfriends,
Or fashion trends,
Their heterosexuality
Will be on the mend.
In just seven days,
Oh, baby,
You'll make them want a maa-aa-a-a-an!

Faith closes the curtains and disappears into Riley's bedroom. Anya disappears into Xander's freezer. Willow and Tara look at each other with can-you-believe-this expressions.

Cut to Buffy, back in her office.

BUFFY: There are some people who say that life is an illusion, and that reality is simply a figment of our imaginations. If this is so, then Willow and Tara... well, they don't exist, and I'm stuck in a mental hospital in LA. However, back in the world we like to call Sunnydale, the sudden departure of former commando Riley Finn, and his creator, the ruthless, charismatic, sexy, oh-so-wantable...

She is getting a bit distracted, and gathers herself.

BUFFY: ...renegade Slayer Faith, has left Will and Tara feeling both confused and in doubt of the sanity of those around them. A feeling which grew as the other guests departed, and they were shown to their separate rooms.

Cut to TARA'S ROOM, where she is wandering around. She checks out the view from her window, pokes the bed, and finally lies down and conjures a cloud of vapour that slowly begins to coalesce into the shape of Willow.

Cut to WILLOW'S ROOM, where she is just switching off her bedside lamp. The smokey form of Tara appears beside her, and Willow quickly adds her own power to the link. The image solidifies, so that it seems Tara is lying next to her.

TARA: Is your room any good?

WILLOW: Pretty cheap. Looks like they forgot to pay the cleaners, and just put a blue filter over the lights to cover it up.

TARA: Same here. Pink filter though. Wait a moment, someone's outside.

Back to Tara's Room. The Willow-image vanishes as someone knocks on the door.

TARA: Who is it?

WILLOW'S VOICE: It's me, Willow.

TARA (to herself): Yeah, that might work on a non-witch. (aloud) Come in!

Faith enters, her face concealed by the lack of light. She does a passable impression of Willow's voice.

FAITH: It's alright Tara, everything's going to be fine.

TARA: Oh that's good, I was starting to worry.

FAITH: I've figured out how we can get out of here, you just need to let Riley seduce you.

TARA: Oh please! Is that the best plan you could come up with?

Faith slumps on the bed.

FAITH: It was Spike's idea. I'm not big with the planning. How did you know it was me?

TARA: Well, the way I recognised you even when you had Buffy's actual body might have given you a clue that I can sense these things?

FAITH: Oh, yeah, right. Um, aren't you going to ask me what I've done to Willow?

TARA: What have you done to Willow?

Faith perks up.

FAITH: Nothing! Why do you think I should?

There is a long pause.

FAITH: Well, I thought it was a good line. I've been waiting to say it all night.

TARA: Um, it's a good line. It's just that, with the whole wicca thing...

FAITH: What?

TARA: Well, putting two witches in different rooms doesn't really stop them being together.

FAITH: Oh. Um, can I ask you something?

TARA: I guess so.

FAITH: Are you, maybe, just a little tiny bit not tempted by Riley?

TARA: You could say that.

FAITH: But I don't get it! He's amazing in bed, when I was being Buffy, he was like-

TARA: I know, she mentioned it to Willow now and then.

FAITH: Well believe me, I've had more experience than twenty Buffys, so I know what I'm saying! What more could you want?

TARA: Well, the thing is, me being with Willow isn't just about sex. I mean, it's love. It's above magic.

FAITH: So... you're saying that Riley doesn't do it for you, because you're after more than just a massive stud muffin?

TARA: Well, I probably wouldn't put it like that... haven't you ever had anyone special? I mean, not just sex, but that you were really close to?

FAITH: I don't think so...

Faith seems unconvincing.

TARA: Someone you loved?

FAITH: You mean like... just being around them is the best life ever gets? That you want to become all the missing parts in their life, so that their world is as good as you can make it... you'd do anything for them, and just making them smile is the best feeling you've ever had...

TARA: Someone like that.

FAITH: I guess I did. Once.

TARA: Well, then you know.

FAITH: But I screwed it up. I don't deserve that. I'm not good enough.

TARA: Maybe you could be?

FAITH: Yeah, right! Look at me, I'm evil!

TARA: Well, I'm not saying it won't take work, but you've got it in you to be better than you are. I mean, you're a Slayer. You can do incredible things, I've seen Buffy do them.

FAITH: Yeah...

She shakes her head and stands up.

FAITH: Dammit... I have to go.

TARA: Okay.

Faith leaves. The Willow-image reappears.

WILLOW: What was that?

TARA: Faith. I don't know, something odd.

In the laboratory, Spike and Drusilla approach the curtains to Riley's bedroom and pull them back. He is curled up asleep, sucking his thumb. There is a chain around his ankle, attaching him to the bed. Spike grins at Dru and quietly undoes the chain. Riley stirs. Spike changes into his vampire face and growls. Riley leaps off the bed and backs away from him - right into Drusilla, also with a vampire face. He spins around and runs away screaming. Spike resumes his human appearance and grins as Riley crashes through a wall and retreats.

In Willow's room, there is a knock at the door.

WILLOW: Who is it?

TARA'S VOICE: It's me.

In the darkness, the door opens and someone comes in. She sits on the bed beside Willow.

TARA'S VOICE: Honey, I've got an idea.

WILLOW: What's that?


She hesitates, then leans over Willow and kisses her.

TARA'S VOICE: I'll tell you later.

WILLOW: Hehe... Y'know, for a minute there I thought you were Faith, pretending to be you.

TARA: Mmm-hmm... does Faith know how to do this?

WILLOW: Oh! I bet she doesn't... I'm not even sure how you do it...

TARA (singing): Surging like the sea...

WILLOW (singing): Wanting you so helplessly...

Outside, Faith is stalking the corridors of her castle in a foul mood. She stops as she hears voices from Willow's room.

TARA & WILLOW (singing): You make me complete...

Faith scowls, then sighs. For a moment she looks vulnerable, then she frowns and kicks a chunk out of the bannister beside her.

FAITH: Dammit.

A speaker crackles into life at the end of the corridor.

SPIKE'S VOICE: Master, Riley has broken loose and is in the castle grounds. Drusilla has just released the hell-hounds.

FAITH: I'm coming.

She storms off.

In the laboratory, the lights are out. Faith enters and switches on the surveillance screen, flipping between views of the castle's grounds and rooms. Most of the rooms are empty. Some contains vampires milling around aimlessly. Some of the outdoor shots show hell-hounds charging around madly.

FAITH: What's happening here? Where is Riley? Where's Spike? Where's anyone?

The screen changes to a view of Willow's room. Behind the gauzy curtain around the bed, Willow and Tara's silhouettes are hovering half a metre in the air.

FAITH: Hell!

She punches her fist through the screen. A shape huddled under a sheet inside the chemical tank cringes at the explosion.

FAITH: If only I hadn't made this castle... if only Angel had killed me... if only I hadn't gone to the Mayor...

She notices movement from the tank. She pulls the sheet away to reveal Riley, crouching down. His arms and back have cuts from running through the trees in the grounds.

FAITH: Riley! You're hurt! Who did this to you?

Unknown to Faith, Anya and Drusilla are watching her on a screen in another room.

FAITH: Here, let me help you... you big studly thing...

Having pulled Riley close to her to examine his wounds, Faith's old sex-kitten smile returns.

Back in Buffy's office:

BUFFY: Emotion. Agitation or disturbance of the mind. Vehement or excited mental state. It is also a powerful and contradictory master... and from what Drusilla and Anya viewed on their television monitor, there seemed little doubt that Faith was falling prey to conflicting feelings.

DRU & ANYA: Tell us about it Faith!

('Touch-A Touch-A Touch Me')

FAITH:I was feeling done in,
Couldn't win.
I'd only ever toyed with boys.

DRUSILLA: But I thought she...

ANYA: Not yet.

FAITH:I had a chance to make it,
With a girl who'd take me,
But then I ran away,
And it killed me.
Now all I wanna be,
Is the old me,
Who only needed one-night-stands!

DRU & ANYA: Boys, boys, boys!

FAITH:These feelings hurt too deeply,
For me to heal completely.
My only brush with true love
Was just too fleeting!

She pulls Riley to her and... well, does stuff.

FAITH:Toucha-toucha-toucha-touch me!
I wanna be dirty!
Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me!
Make me forget my pain!
Now I just wanna be,
The old me,
When I ignored these precious doubts.

DRU & ANYA: Doubt, doubt, doubt.

FAITH:Feeling love made me queasy,
Being a slut's much more easy.

She grabs Riley's head and looks him in the eye.

FAITH:Remind me how it goes,
Oh, make me sleazy!
Toucha-toucha-toucha-touch me!
I wanna be dirty!
Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me!
Make me forget my pain!

ANYA: Toucha-toucha-toucha-touch me!

DRUSILLA: I want to be dirty...

ANYA: Thrill me chill me fulfil me!

DRUSILLA: Lizard with five wings!

Anya gives Drusilla a disbelieving look, but she seems to think that she's making perfect sense.

FAITH:Oh, toucha-toucha-toucha-touch me!
I wanna be dirty!
Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me!
Make her forget the girl!

RILEY: Make you forget what girl?

WILLOW: Make her forget the girl?

TARA: She wants to forget the girl.

DRUSILLA: She can't forget the girl!

SPIKE: What's this about a girl?

ANYA: Hey, do you think she means-

RILEY: Hang on, are you talking about-

In Buffy's office, the Buffster has been listening in.

BUFFY: Faith... wants a girl?

Buffy starts flipping through the pages of The Sunnydale Affair furiously.

BUFFY: Oh... my... god...

In the laboratory, Faith has finished with Riley, who now lies asleep in the tank. Faith is prowling around moodily, talking to herself.

FAITH: That was good, of course it was. Just like always, do a little slaying, have a little sex, everything's good. Nothing else, that's all. Dammit!

Spike arrives.

FAITH: How could you let this happen? You were supposed to be guarding Riley, look what's happened to him!

SPIKE: Well, pet, I'd hardly blame me for-

FAITH: His injuries you idiot! He's been running around the forest all night!

SPIKE: Oh, that. Well, I was only away for a minute. The sneaky bastard must have snuck out.

FAITH: How stupid do you think I am?

SPIKE: Okay, given that you're a vampire slayer and I'm a vampire, I'm going to exercise my right to not answer that question on the grounds that you may incinerate me. Anyway, like I was trying to say, we have a visitor.

Willow and Tara wander into the laboratory. Spike tries to switch on the damaged screen, gives up, and wheels a new screen in from a closet. He pushes it in front of Faith and switches it on to show GILES prowling around the grounds of the castle.

WILLOW: Giles!

FAITH: I see...

TARA: What's he doing here?

Faith is suddenly angry.

FAITH: You know damn well! This wasn't a chance meeting. You came here with a purpose, and brought him with you!

WILLOW: What are you talking about? We were on our way to meet him, that's all-

FAITH: I know he's not Buffy's Watcher any more, but he still works for the Council, doesn't he?

WILLOW: I don't know, maybe.

SPIKE: He's entered the building.

FAITH: So you brought him to take me back to the Council. Well, let's see what he has to say for himself!

She signals to Spike, who pulls a level. A magical portal opens up in one of the laboratory's walls, spurts out Giles, and closes again.

FAITH: So, come to get me at last, have you?

WILLOW: Giles!

GILES: Willow? Tara? What are you doing here?

FAITH: Don't play games with me. You sent them here to trap me. Well, unfortunately for you, the plan has changed. Instead, I've trapped you!

GILES: I can assure you that their presence here comes as a complete surprise to me. Although the various obliterated demon corpses in the grounds did give me a clue. I came here to find Xander.

WILLOW: He's here somewhere!

FAITH: What do you know about Xander?

GILES: I happen to know a great deal about a lot of things. My coven hasn't been blind to what you're doing here, with your experiments.

There is a stirring from underneath the sheet inside the chemical tank. Before Faith can react, Giles pulls the sheet away to reveal Riley.

GILES: Riley?

FAITH: Riley!

WILLOW: Giles?

GILES: Willow?

RILEY: Um...

FAITH: Giles!

TARA: Willow?


SPIKE: Faith!

DRUSILLA: Bullwinkle...

GILES: Drusilla!


RILEY: Giles?

FAITH: Quiet!

Faith glares at Riley.

FAITH: Listen, I made you - and I can break you just as easily! Now keep silent!

DRUSILLA: Dinner is served, pumpkins.

FAITH: Excellent.

She surveys the room, and notices that Willow and Tara's clothes are a bit hastily-arranged. She sneers at them.

FAITH: Under the circumstances, formal dress is optional.

In Buffy's office, Buffy has been reading ahead on the Sunnydale Affair book.

BUFFY: Lemme see... dinner... blah blah blah, Giles singing again... floor show...

She notices that she's on camera.

BUFFY: Oh! Wait a minute!

She flips back a few pages.

BUFFY: Right. Food has always played a vital role in life's rituals. The horror movie pizza pig-out, the romantic chocolate-a-thon... and now this meal. However informal it might appear, you may be sure that there was to be very little bon ami.

She frowns.

BUFFY: 'Bon ami'? Where's my French dictionary?

She starts rummaging through her shelves.

Cut to the DINING ROOM. Faith sits at the head of the table, with Giles and Anya on one side, Willow and Tara on the other. Riley is at the far end, facing Faith. Spike and Drusilla are hovering around the edge of the room.

FAITH: A toast: to absent friends.

She sneers the toast. Willow and Tara repeat it sincerely. Giles is just confused. Anya is fretting about Xander.

FAITH: And Riley, of course. Happy Birthday yadda yadda yadda.

Spike and Drusilla distributes plates of meat to everyone.

GILES: We came here to discuss Xander.

ANYA: Where is he?

FAITH: That's a rather tender subject. Another slice, anyone?

Anya gasps.

ANYA: Excuse me...

She carefully lifts up her piece of meat and tastes it.

ANYA: Oh thank god. It doesn't taste like him.

TARA: Relief warring with a wish that that wasn't quite so suggestive...

WILLOW: Me too...

GILES: I always knew his desire to play mindless video games would get him into trouble. But I never expected him to fall prey to you! Not after how you treated him.


FAITH: Quiet Riley! Oh, please do go on lecturing me, Mr Giles. Or should I say 'Ripper'?

WILLOW: Hey, what are you implying?

GILES: It's alright Willow.



GILES:From the day I was born,
I was trouble.
An object of scorn,
In my father's eyes.
Of course I rebelled,

In her office, Buffy continues:

BUFFY: But he ended up raising demons from hell.

GILES:Then I learned all that demons say are lies.
From the day that I joined
The Watcher's Council,
A new me was born,
Dedicated to good.
I studied hard,

BUFFY: So much that having fun was practically barred!

GILES:To become a Watcher like I should!
When I was Faith's Watcher I knew I should have stopped her,
But then she had gone away.
Then when Buffy grew up, I thought I should give up-

SPIKE: What a guy.

WILLOW: Made us cry...

GILES: I should've stayed.

TARA:It was really rough, he
Was like a father to Buffy,
He thought he had to go away,
All we needed was for him to stay,
But now he's back and with us come what may!

GILES:I've made mistakes,
I've compromised,
But every time,
I've learned what was wrong.
Now Xander's in need,
Our our heroic deeds,
Now is the time for us to all be strong!
When I was Faith's Watcher I knew I should have stopped her,
But then she had gone away.
Then when Buffy grew up, I thought I should give up-

SPIKE: What a guy.

WILLOW: Made us cry...

GILES:I should've stayed.
When I was Faith's Watcher I knew I should have stopped her,
But then she had gone away.
Then when Buffy grew up, I thought I should give up-

SPIKE: What a guy.

WILLOW: Made us cry...

GILES: I should've stayed.

FAITH: Well, if you've come back to atone for your mistakes, you're too late! Here's your precious Xander!

Faith whips the tablecloth away to reveal Xander underneath the table's glass surface. Giles bolts upright. Willow and Tara scream. Anya slams her fists onto the table, trying to break it.

XANDER: Um, hi guys.

ANYA: Xander... you're okay?

XANDER: Well, my head kinda hurts, but I'm not sure why...

ANYA: You've had your brain removed you big idiot!

Willow and Tara have recovered from their shock.

WILLOW: Here, let me get that.

Willow does a quick incantation that forms a zippy eletric-looking cloud, which settles around Xander's head and filters into his ears.

XANDER: Ah, that's better. All my knowledge of obscure lines from Star Trek, back right where I left it.

ANYA: Thanks.

WILLOW: Any time.

Faith looks a little distressed that her evil plans are unravelled so easily.

ANYA: Riley, help me get him out of this.

Riley shrugs and rips the top off the table, freeing Xander.

('Planet Schmanet, Janet')

FAITH(speaking): Riley! How could you?
(singing): You shouldn't defy me! It's a terrible sin.
You better wise up, Riley Finn!

Riley cowers before her.

FAITH:No matter what you do, I'm going to win,
You better wise up, Riley Finn!

Riley flees the room, with Faith behind him. She chases him through the corridors, toards the laboratory, with the others trailing behind.

FAITH:I gave you life,
You gave me strife!
You're as sensual as a pencil!
Though I'll admit with a bit more girth.
But you'll find fighting me more trouble than it's worth!

They reach the laboratory.

FAITH:You don't like the feel of my skin?
Well you oughta wise up, Riley Finn!
I've got some power that'll fix ya!

Faith grabs an amulet from a table and brandishes it at Riley. His feet are suddenly fixed to the floor. Faith spins around, immobilising Giles, Willow and Tara in the same way.

WILLOW: I can't move my feet!

GILES: It's some kind of talisman.

TARA: Probably a Zhian relic, by the look of it.

FAITH: Quite correct, wicca babe! It's something you'll get used to. Even for witches as powerful as you, there are still some magics that can f-

GILES: Language!

FAITH: Could you be any more British?

GILES: I suppose you think you've won!

FAITH: Well, actually, yeah! You're all stuck here, so I'll be free to go off and confront... Buffy... alone.


FAITH:Quiet, Riley!
You better wise up, Riley Finn!
You better wise up, instead of rise up!
You better rise up-

Tara whispers to Willow.

TARA: Willow, remember what I told you!

WILLOW (aloud): Stop!

FAITH:Don't get all flustered, Red!
Just cause your Buffy'll soon be dead.

WILLOW:You're in pain now, but you don't really want to hurt her;
Not Buffy!

Faith uses her amulet again: Zap! Willow is utterly still, unable to move a muscle.

GILES: My god, is she-

TARA: Amuletic stasis, but she's alive.

She hold Willow protectively, but turns to face Faith.

TARA:You're in pain now, but you don't really want to hurt her;
Not Buffy!

Zap! Faith immobilises Tara.

GILES: You're in pain now-

Zap! Giles too is rendered immobile. Anya staggers in, with a weak Xander leaning on her shoulder for support.

ANYA: I can't stand you any more! You go on and on about how you want revenge against Buffy for turning you away, and all the people here for helping her, but you just don't get it! I'm a vengeance demon, you know, I know when people have a grudge, and that isn't you! You're just too screwed up to see what you really want! You've got all these dumb plans to defeat all your old friends, but secretly you want to fail! You just don't know how to go back to them, after you left! Well, now you choose! If you want Buffy to forgive you, you just go ask her! And if not, then get the hell on with destroying the world, and stop wasting everyone's time!

Zap! Anya is immobilised, along with Xander. Faith hangs her head, talking to herself.

FAITH: She doesn't know anything. I don't want Buffy to forgive me. She can't.

DRUSILLA: I grow weary of these parlour games! How long until we face the Slayer?

FAITH: Drusilla, you and Spike have been most useful to me. You will not go unrewarded. You'll discover that I can be quite generous - if the mood takes me.

DRUSILLA: We want nothing.

FAITH: And you shall have it. In abundance. Now move! These people should cower before me, but they insist on their fantasy that I'll still turn out good in the end. It's time for their illusions to be shattered. Prepare for the floor show.

Drusilla pouts behind Faith's back. Faith enters the elevator and disappears, leaving Drusilla to take care of the petrified Scoobies. Spike quietly approaches her and gives her a knowing look. She nods, and Spike reaches into a secret compartment in the laboratory wall, revealing an Initiative blaster. He points it at the elevator shaft, and mimes firing. Drusilla growls to herself.

Meanwhile, in Buffy's office:

BUFFY: And so, by some extraordinary coincidence, fate, it seemed, had decided that Willow and Tara should keep their appointment with Giles. But it was to be in a situation which none of them could possibly have foreseen. Well, maybe Tara could have foreseen it, with a bit of help from Willow in the mystic circle area. But probably not - prophecy's vague at the best of times, and I should know. But now, just a few hours after their own engagement, the wiccas find themselves embroiled in a struggle to resolve the romantic frustrations of their host, whose evil instincts have little weakness... and some persuasion. Would they be able to break through Faith's layers of bitterness and self-doubt? And what of the floor show? In an empty house? In the middle of the night? What diabolical plan had been shaped by Faith's conflicted mind? What indeed? From what had gone before, it was clear that this was to be no picnic.

Cut to the THEATRE ROOM. Faith, Tara, Willow, Giles, Anya and Xander are sitting around a picnic blanket laid out on the stage, munching sandwiches.

BUFFY: Oh, very funny.

Cut to the real Theatre Room. Faith is meticulously positioning the immobilised Scoobies on the stage. She stands back to make sure they're all standing in the right spots, then turns the amulet on them again. In a flash of light, their regular clothes are replaced by the familiar fishnets-and-bustier type outfits. This looks quite odd on Xander. As for Giles - let's not go there. Faith nods to herself, satisfied, then makes her way to the back of the stage, where a huge background piece representing the hills surrounding Sunnydale has been built. She climbs to the top, then uses the amulet again to release Anya and Xander from their stasis.

('Rose Tint My World')

ANYA:It was great when it all began!
I've been married to a wonderful man.
Then we got caught up in Faith's crazy plan,
To turn Will and Tara into boy-fans.
Now the only thing that gives us hope,
Is the fact that the girl's a dope,
Rage tints her world, keeps her safe from her trouble and pain.

XANDER: Oh my god what am I wearing?

ANYA: It's not like you haven't worn that sort of thing before.

XANDER: Only once! And that was just because you dared me! And that wasn't this tight! Merciful Zeus, my nipples are showing!

Faith releases Riley.

RILEY:I'm just seven hours old,
But already she's losing control.
Faith really should have been told,
It takes more than sex to make a heart fold.
Now the fantasies she's come to trust,
Are thinking less of pecs and more of bust.
Rage tints her world, keeps her safe from her trouble and pain.

Tara reanimates.

TARA:It's beyond me, how to make Faith see,
That in fact all she
Needs is someone to love her.
Buffy's love could be,
Like a key,
If only Faith would see,
She needn't be alone!

Lastly, Faith releases Willow.

WILLOW:Now it's time for Faith to take the floor,
In either open war, or perhaps she'll take the bait.
The game is coming to an end,
And maybe together we can send,
A message to our former friend,
Perhaps it's not too late...

Faith descends from the background to centre stage, taking the spotlight.

('Fanfare/Don't Dream It')

FAITH:Why can't you people just see sense,
Instead of trying to make me tense?
Buffy's love isn't mine,
It does no good to pine,
I'm on the wrong side of the fence.
There's no way in hell she's ever want me,
Not after all the things I've done.
Why can't you all see?
If I feel these things they'll destroy me!
Can't you just see it? Oh,
Don't make me feel it...

SCOOBIES: Don't fear it, feel it...

Faith looks vulnerable as she loses control of the song.

SCOOBIES: Don't fear it, feel it...

At the side of the stage, Giles emerges from stasis.

GILES: We've got to resolve this dilemma, before the vampires take control. We've got to be strong, and help Faith hang on, or else her mind might snap! And her life would be lost... in the thrills!

Giles suddenly notices what he's wearing. He hastily pulls on a raincoat before anyone sees him.

TARA: It's beyond me, how to make Faith see,

WILLOW: This is our only chance!

Faith falls out of the rhythm of the song and slumps down on the edge of the stage, close to tears. Willow and Tara sit on either side of her.

WILLOW: It's not too late.


TARA: You know it's true, or you wouldn't have done all this.

WILLOW: If you could have put us in stasis all along, why the elaborate plan? Wasn't it just to try to make us understand what you're going through?

FAITH: You don't know what I'm going through.

TARA: Tell us.

FAITH: Don't you get it! I can't love her! I can't love anyone, I don't deserve it. Whenever I run out of things to fight, all I have left is that... if I died, she'd feel sorry for me. So long as I'm alive she can hate me for everything I did to her, but if I died, she's just the kind who'd start wondering if she could've done something to help me, or... she'd blame herself somehow, she always does. So I stay alive because... I can't hurt her again. That's all I have.

Faith suddenly smashes her fist through the stage floor.

FAITH: What the hell sort of reason is that to live?! She doesn't deserve someone that screwed up! She's better off without me. That's the way it has to be.

TARA: Are you sure?

FAITH: This is how I have to be! It's all that keeps me going!

Faith leaps up and grabs centre stage again.

('Wild and Untamed Thing')

FAITH:I'm a wild and an untamed thing!
I've been poisoned by my own sting!
If I stop now, my mind'll go ping!
My heart'll stop and never more sing!
So leave your pity and compassion at home!
I'll let my anger strip me to the bone!
Rage fills my world, keeps me safe from my trouble and pain!

SCOOBIES:You're a wild and an untamed thing!
But there's still time to escape the sting!
If you don't stop, your mind'll go ping!
But if you let it then your heart will sing!
So admit what you've got inside!
Cause you're running out of places to hide!
Return to our world, it's got more than just trouble and pain!

The song repeats once, with Faith and the Scoobies singing their different verses over the top of each other. In the middle of the lyrical struggle, Spike bursts through the stage background and scoops up the amulet discarded by Faith. Drusilla appears at the back of the theatre, leading the army of vampire minions, which Spike joins.

SPIKE:Faith the Slayer, it's all over!
Your plan's become a failure,
And my return is nigh!
Against the amulet's power,
Witchcraft cannot flower,
It's time to topple this tower,
Time for you all to die!

The vampire army spreads out, blocking all the exits, trapping the Scoobies on the stage. Willow and Tara try some defensive spells, and find their powers blocked. Faith looks down at the hundreds of vampires, then back at the Scoobies.

FAITH: It's alright. I know what I have to do now.

GILES: Faith, what-

FAITH: I can explain.

She waves them back, and stands alone in front of the vampires.

('I'm Going Home')

FAITH:On the day I went away,
Alone I cried,
I didn't even say,
Now I've come back again, to stay.
But no,
I've got no gift, except to slay.
'Cause I've seen, oh, my life!
All the turmoil, and the strife,
And I realise, now it's goodbye.
Everywhere it's been the same,
Standing still beneath the rain,
Trying to work out my game,
Running away from my pain.
Now I see, oh, my life!
I can save you from the strife.
But for me, now it's goodbye.

GILES: Faith, you can't-

FAITH: There's no other way.

SPIKE: He's right, girl. Even a Slayer can't fight an army alone. Dru and me, we'll be watching while they take you apart. And if they need any help...

Spike hands the amulet to Dru and pulls the blaster from beneath his coat.

GILES: Great heavens!

XANDER: Is that a laser?

SPIKE: A blaster, which emits a beam of pure ionic plasma.

XANDER: So, not a laser then.

SPIKE: The Initiative made them to take down even the strongest demon. But I think it'll work just as well on a Slayer.

ANYA: We can't let them kill her!

WILLOW: Giles, isn't there something-

TARA: If we could break the amulet-

GILES: Not unless we can get to it. And against a hundred vampires, we're powerless.

SPIKE: Come on pet. Dying time.

FAITH: Yeah, I know.

She turns to the Scoobies.

FAITH: Just... get away. I'll hold them as long as I can. Tell her... tell her how it was.

WILLOW: Faith-


Faith turns and leaps into the mass of vampires, breaking two legs off one of the theatre chairs and using them as stakes. She twirls around, kicking and punching, slamming the stakes through vampires with every turn. A cloud of dust surrounds her, into which more and more vampires press. The Scoobies watch helplessly as they begin to overwhelm her. A vampire dodges as Faith strikes - her stake sinks through its arm, and is torn from her hand as the vamp falls. She backs up against the stage, fending off claws and fangs.

While all the vampires concentrate on Faith, Giles leads the Scoobies to the theatre's side door, which has been abandoned by its guards. They turn back to see Spike level the blaster at the struggling mass of bodies.

SPIKE: I think your time has come, pet.

He fires, electrocuting a whole bunch of vampires. They fall away, revealing Faith, and Spike fires again. Faith takes the full blast of the weapon, which knocks her back against the stage. She falls to her knees, dazed. More vampires charge at her. The first one hits her hard in the ribs, but she snaps back to her senses and slams her stake into its chest. But more attack, too fast for her to defend any more. Spike fires into the backs of his vampires again, revealing Faith, now badly hurt. Blood trickles from her lips and a cut on her forehead, and she is holding her ribs with one arm, breathing heavily. Spike walks up to her and raises the blaster. She looks up at him.

SPIKE: Say hello to oblivion.

Before he fires there is a crash from the back of the theatre. Spike spins around see two vampires exploding into dust with crossbow bolts through their hearts, and Buffy, with two swords in her belt, dropping the empty pistol bows and unslinging a heavy-duty crossbow from her back.

BUFFY: Hello Oblivion - how's the wife and kids?

Buffy fires the crossbow, picking the amulet neatly out of Drusilla's hand and smashing it to pieces against the stage background. Much happens at once. Spike turns to aim the blaster at Buffy, but-

TARA: Accio blaster!

The weapon flies out of Spike's hand before he can fire. Willow fields the catch one-handed and passes it to Xander, while her other hand unleashes a beam of sunlight against a group of nearby vampires, making them burst into flame. Xander starts blasting anything undead that moves. Buffy runs the length of the theatre, leaping over Spike and using his head as a spring-board, landing and rolling to a halt beside Faith.

BUFFY: How ya feeling?

FAITH: Bruised pretty much all over... a bunch of broken ribs, not sure about this wrist... head feels like hell.

Buffy leans over and plants a big, Willow-and-Tara-esque kiss on Faith's lips.

FAITH: ...never felt better.

BUFFY: You up for a little two-Slayers-against-an-army action?

FAITH: Thought you'd never ask, B.

Buffy pulls Faith to her feet, hands her a sword, and the pair turn to face the oncoming horde of vampires charging them.

BUFFY: Assume Croucing Tiger Hidden Dragon imminent-ass-kickin' pose.

Buffy and Faith strike ice-cool martial arts poses.

FAITH: Bring it.

The vampires charge. The two Slayers fight back with insane speed and ferocity, using moves including but not limited to: Buffy roundhouse-kicks a vampire directly into the backswing of Faith's sword as she decapitates two at once; Faith flips her sword through the air, slicing through a vampire's neck, only to have Buffy catch the sword and embed it in the chest of another vamp rushing back towards Faith; both beheading the same vampire at once, from front and back; Buffy kicking a chair into the air for Faith to smash a vampire into, staking him on the debris; Faith running her sword through the neck of a vampire, then using its leverage to spin around in the air, kicking half a dozen of them in the head, while slicing through the neck. Drusilla quietly slips out of a back exit. Spike takes one look at the vampiric carnage going on and runs away. Finally only humans (and Anya) are left in the theatre.

GILES: Buffy, not that I'm complaining, but weren't you off narrating this whole thing?

BUFFY: Yeah, but I read ahead and the ending was a bummer, so I figured I'd do a bit of prejudicial re-editing.

Giles smiles, then turns to Faith, who is feeling the effects of her injuries as the adrenaline wears off.

GILES: You know, you have a long way to go to earn our trust again.

Faith looks at his stern face and nods morosely.

GILES: Still... I'm glad you've started.

He holds out a hand. Faith is amazed for a moment, then accepts it. Giles nods 'job well done' to Buffy, and goes off to join Anya, Xander, Willow and Tara. Buffy and Faith are left on their own, in the ruins of the theatre.

FAITH: Look, I know what you... I mean, back then when you came in... I don't know if I can, B. Everything I've done... I don't deserve to even ask you to forgive me.

BUFFY: Yeah, well... we'll work on it.

FAITH: How is it so easy for you?

BUFFY: It's not easy. But it's right. We're Slayers, we're used to doing it tough, when it's important.

FAITH: So, what now?

('Super Heroes')

BUFFY:I've been a hero, I've saved the town,
But in love's sea, I've always drowned.
When you came here, I knew I'd found,
My meaning.

FAITH:I always hoped, but never dared,
To find a life you and I shared.
I never dreamed that you cared,
My meaning.

BUFFY:Now, after we've won the day,
We go together to find our way.
We find our home, and there we stay.
Just living...

FAITH & BUFFY: Living...

('Science Fiction/Double Feature': Reprise)

CHORUS:Buffy Summers, vampire slayer,
Today she's starting something major,
No more alone now, she's got Faith with her,
The only one who can complete her,
Woh-oh oh oh...
In the town upon the Hellmouth, Sunnydale.
They'll never fail...
Woh-oh oh oh...
In the town upon the Hellmouth, Sunnydale.

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